Andy Kindler

I think that most people will spend their whole life not figuring out what they're meant ...
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Louie is hugely talented. But I get very annoyed at the way the media... say, 'Louis ...
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If I love a comic but they have an off night, who am I to say ...
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I sold door to door for a couple years. As the years recede from the event, ...
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When I played a club in Salt Lake City, I complained to the crowd about the ...
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'Ambulatory' is my favorite word to use because it never gets a laugh.

Can we all admit that 'Parks and Recreation' is horrible? Is this something we would all know, but don't say? Maybe everything should not be improv'd.

I always had a tremendous amount of rage about the business, and I thought turning that into comedy was healthy.

George Lopez is always on the verge of hilarity. If he could ever think of something funny to say, if he had a funny thought in his mind, he's ready to go.

I am the smartest comedian in the history of the world.

I did not sell Amway, but I sold Shaklee, which was an Amway-type product sold through multi-level marketing.

I came out to L.A. in '78 to be a musician. I didn't get into comedy until the mid-Eighties.

I do notice a lot of people who want to shock to get laughs. It's such a tricky thing, you don't want to make rules about it. There's nobody more hilarious than Dave Attell, and he'd break every rule you set up. But he's funny.

I don't consider myself a political comedian because it's so hard. It takes time away from me saying terrible things about TV.

I don't enjoy writing newspaper articles any more than people like reading them. I'm a standup comic, not a journalist, although sometimes onstage I will say: 'What else is in the news?' Writing is work, which I'm not comfortable with.

I even get tired performing standup, which is normally a low-impact exercise in futility but looks hard the way I do it. That's why I take a lot of breaks, often stopping in the middle of a joke to catch my breath, or blame the crowd for not laughing before the punchline.

I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more.

I feel completely fearless when I'm on stage. And also totally fearful. There's the fear that I'm not making a very smart career move sometimes, but there's the stronger belief that these things need to be said.

I have a true love for the old style of Catskill comic. There's a joy in discovering a bad joke... and then there's the joy of delivering it like, 'Isn't this a hacky joke?'

I have so many strong opinions on the entertainment industry, but if I'm in a deli somewhere, and someone says they love that Adam Sandler movie where he dresses up as his twin sister - well, I don't want to make people feel bad for how they feel about things. I'm always courteous, not mean.

I sold door to door for a couple years. As the years recede from the event, I remember less about it, which is probably good for my mind. It was home improvement in Cerritos California, Buena Park, that area.

I have to say, after hanging out with Republicans for four days, I want to take a look at my own birth certificate. I don't think I was born in this country.

I think that most people will spend their whole life not figuring out what they're meant to do, or figuring out what they're meant to do on their way to do something else. So I just feel lucky that I know what I love to do. Everything else figures itself out.

I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold.

I would like Albert Brooks to have received the Oscars for best actor, best director and best screenplay for 'Modern Romance.' I love that movie.

If everything was good, maybe I wouldn't have a career. I wouldn't have anything to make fun of.

I will say that I wasn't susceptible to Tony Robbins-like pitches, even as a younger man.

If I love a comic but they have an off night, who am I to say they should have taken out this or added that? It doesn't work that way... I have no interest in hurting people's feelings.

I'm interested in Jeff Bridges. I love that guy. And I did like Carey Mulligan in 'An Education.' And I love Meryl Streep, but if they could ban 'Julie & Julia,' I'd be in favor of that.

I'm not really in Louis CK's circle. It'd probably be harder if we were really close and I went off on him.

I'm not a confrontational person in real life, so I really don't wanna get into arguments or fistfights with people I'm making fun of.

I'm not trying to do anything except entertain America.

I'm on a mission. If I can make even one person not enjoy something they're currently enjoying, it's all worth it!

I'm tired of demographic appeal being more important than talent. I want to fight against that.

I've given myself permission to say whatever's on my mind when I'm on stage.

I've always felt that there's a Catskills comic who lives in my head and is constantly trying to get out. There's all these jokes that have been passed down from Jewish generation to Jewish generation, which I love but which I've always made fun of.

I've never been paid as a prognosticator. I don't get a lot of work as a mentalist.

I've sold a lot of different product. Very briefly, I sold Time Life Books on the phone.

Louie is hugely talented. But I get very annoyed at the way the media... say, 'Louis C.K. is the greatest stand-up in the world.' He's not the greatest stand-up in the world. He's not funnier than Dave Attell.

My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage.

My big fear is that I'll put down so many people, I'll have to leave show biz.

My goal is to be exactly how I am offstage - although I realize I'm supposed to punctuate it with jokes.

My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings.

Nobody gets excited when they see me. If I put on my wizard outfit and walk around the airport for a couple of hours, I get a couple of puzzled glances.

Sometimes things can be a guilty pleasure, but with 'Idol,' everyone talks about it like it's a real thing, they argue over who's gonna win... There's no laughing at it.

My manager came up with the name 'State of the Industry,' and it was just one of those things. It just took off. Well, I don't know about 'took off.' I'm not in the stratosphere.

The Comedy Bar is an intimate club, which I prefer. I refuse to play theatres, because large empty spaces make me nervous, and I don't enjoy the echo. I'm no sell out. Literally.

The cliche that comics always use is that whatever is happening in the news is 'the gift that keeps on giving.' I always thought that was a bunch of nonsense.

'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.'

The right wing is appealing to a shrinking, shrinking demographic of angry white people who blame their predicament in life on the fact that there are immigrants coming into the country, it's pretty ludicrous.

When did I start comedy? I came out of the womb and did 10 minutes.

Very unique: I was a singer-songwriter-guitarist. Very unusual in the late Seventies to find a singer-songwriter, and on top of that, a guitarist.

When I played a club in Salt Lake City, I complained to the crowd about the low turnout. It's always good to berate the people who paid to see you because you're upset about the people who didn't show up. It's called misplaced anger, and without it, I wouldn't have an act.

When I started out in the late '80s, my act was pretty terrible, and for years, I kind of toiled in obscurity. I don't believe in a hierarchy in comedy, I feel that a person deserves respect the first time they get onstage, and after that, they just have to be funny and get more consistent.

Why did God have to make Mo'Nique a good actress? What was God thinking when he decided to give Mo'Nique acting chops. Now we have to endure Mo'Nique comedy specials.

You tell me that 'Date Night' was good? I'm not going to see it. I will debate you on it, having no knowledge of the footage in the film. I was next to someone on the plane watching it, and they were dozing off.

You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza.